A day without Rain

2007 May 4th
0001 hrs

“Hello “
Her voice echoed in my ears
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY “
“Wooooww dear thanks a lot; you are the first person to wish me as always, so when will you turn up?”
“I will come there in the evening “
“Okay, so 8pm fixed, and don’t dare to make other programs”
“Yeah sure I will be there, good night, take care, bye”
“Good night dude, take care”
I hung up the phone and went near the table took one cigarette and lit it. I tried to make rings out of it, but as usual I couldn’t do that.
Darkness; I love that, it feels so good; it’s an amazing feeling-it falls on everyone and don’t dare to light up, let it be for some moment. But street lights and moon makes the darkness to converge.
“Dude what are you doing at this part of the night?” my roommates voice pulled me back from my thoughts. The smell of cigarette may be the reason.
“Nothing “I told with a weird smile, I doubt he didn’t see that smile, as it was dark every where.
“You are such a nuisance” he said and lit one cigarette.
He’s a good boy, but sometimes acts childish and I feel like he’s an idiot. No he’s a damn good friend.
“Dude, I am going to sleep, tomorrow I have office” I told him and went to sleep.

0700 hrs

I opened my eyes, my cell phone was ringing, and no actually it’s the alarm. I checked the time.
“Shit, its 7“I screamed and found there was no one to hear that. The door was open and I could hear water falling on the bucket
I took one cigarette and lit it, a few puffs passed and I was talking to myself: ”oh today also I am late, I won’t reach office by 8”
“That is not a new thing dude, daily I wake up hearing your alarm and you keep on snoozing it till 7, actually I should say you are early today “ my roommate came after his bath and was laughing at me.
“Fuck off” I told to him, took the towel and went to the bathroom.
“Dude, come fast I am waiting” his voice came from behind.
“Oohh yeaahhh…you wait for me idiot, you could have woke me up”

0815 hrs

I parked my bike and ran to office. I have to swipe.
“Shit, fuck…” I was cursing myself. Today also boss will catch me, I wonder why he always comes out when I am coming running. I was about to get inside, suddenly I heard someone called my name, I turned back “oh Sam is that you, Thank god today I got a company” I told with a smile.
“Yaar, my bike got a flat tyre, so have to catch the bus, and you know how Bangalore sucks when you are in a BMTC bus”
“Yeah, I know yaar, and it fucks too!” I added
“Well well, today we got two late comers, and Anoop could you give a reason as always, but give a new one, I’m fed up of flat tyre, traffic, no water, no electricity etc etc..” Boss was standing at the entrance.
“Idiot, why he’s not having a flat tyre or may be his wife could prepare a late breakfast.” I thought and gave a weird smile and looked at Sam. He was about to say something, but he was out forced by the so called boss. “Ok, it’s a routine now, but don’t worry I won’t leave you, so at 9, you come to my cabin with all your status reports, I want to have a thorough check, and no excuses, call your friend also”
“Yes sir” I told
“And, when you will finish those planning, I want that, its urgent, take that also”
“Ok sir, I will be there by 9”
I looked at Sam, he was keeping quite. Boss walked out for his routine checks, after all he invented
ISO 14001. Sam and I walked inside. He went to his table and I went to mine.
Sushil was early today; oh that’s not a big deal. He is my colleague and sits next to me. Cool fellow and a good friend of mine.
“Good morning Sush” I told
“Yeah, good morning yaar, and I have told several times that don’t call by that name you idiot”, he gets irritated when someone calls him like that, but he won’t tell me anything.
“What were you doing?” I asked curiously as he was scratching his head and cursing someone and his head were two inches from the book he was looking and yeah today also he forgot his specs.
“Nothing yaar, that idiot came here and told me to take all those planning and progress reports, and yeah status reports, looks like he wants to screw us today and be there by 9; man, I told you he is the original blended son of a…. “Sushil told and his voice rose slightly. He was as angry as always, can’t do anything about that.
“Yeah, I know. And by the way those reports were ready and it’s on my drawer.”
“That I know, but he wants to know what happened till 6am”
“Fuck him, how the hell we know, he could have checked the job cards and all”
“No man, he won’t do that, you know he wants someone to scratch his ass, usually Praveen used to do that, today I think he’s on leave and he knows we won’t do that, so he wants to screw someone, yeah we are the better options.”
I gave a weird smile to Sushil.
By 0830 tea came, and that’s one of the moments I like, to have a hot cup of tea.


0900 hrs

We reached near boss’s cabin. He’s lucky to have an air-conditioned cabin in this month of May, lucky idiot. His secretary was sitting outside his cabin.
“Ma’m is he inside?” Sushil asked
She nodded without looking from the computer.
“Good mood or what?”He was not leaving her.
She tilted her face and smiled at us, “yeah he’s ok now, and for God’s sake don’t change that.”
We smiled and went pass her table, checked the cabin and Sushil peeped through the glass.
“Oh shit, he saw me” Sushil whispered in my ears. We went inside and he signaled to take our seats.
Wow, it was great to sit in an A/C cabin in this hot season.
“Yeah gentlemen, now let’s review the progress, so tell me where are we?”
“We are in your cabin, Sir” I wanted to tell that but I didn’t.
“Here is the progress Sir” Sushil gave the register he was keeping.
“Ok, just tell me in brief, I don’t have time to go through all these”
“Please accept that you don’t know any shit about this crap” again I was having those weird thoughts.
“Yes Sir, all those gauges and tools for Lucas TVS has been dispatched and they have approved that, and about the five tools what we are doing here. Three, we took the trails and other two is having its final inspection” I told him in one breath. And after a gasp I continued “those trails were ok, little corrections were required, but now it’s completed and is running in CMD”.
“Hmm, ok so what about the previous tools, 53445 to 53449?”
“Sir, they are still under manufacturing, actually sparking is left out, and electrodes are ready.”
“Oh yeah, for the past one year you are telling the same thing, you are an useless fellow”
“Those moulds were in a pathetic situation when I joined and I came to know it was like that for the past two years and how can you blame us “. I slightly raised my voice
“Yes sirs, when we joined those were pathetic, and were suggested to the red tag area.” Sushil added.
“Ok, now what CMD wants, did they require this of what?”
“No, they don’t want that except tying band, actually they got the modified moulds which started after the issue of the raw materials of those moulds and also the old drawings are not available.” I continued.
“Ok boys, you contact TRD and CMD and do as they suggest, take Mr. Ramesh also”
“Ok Sir, we will make a move”. Sushil told and we both came back.

Mr. Ramesh, he is a man of character, very cool, peaceful, hard working, and yeah he’s our manager.
And a little consideration will show that, all the above words mentioning Mr. Ramesh is absolutely wrong, as he is the most irritating, lazy, crooked idiot I have ever seen, in fact we have ever seen, and sometimes I feel like he an asshole or whatever you can call it.

We came back to our seats. Sushil cracked some idiotic stuff and we laugh in loud voice.
Anil, Dinesh and Sam were busy working. They sit towards the left side of the portion where Sushil, Radhakrishna and me sits.
“Yaar, where is our Anna” Sushil asked.
Everyone calls Radhakrishna as Anna, but Anna still doesn’t know that.
“He’s on leave today, he went to his place, will be back on Monday.”

1015 hrs

Anil rose from his seat and was typing a message, I suppose.
After a few seconds my cell phone vibrated, it’s a message and the sender was Anil.
“Coming out?”
I looked at him he was smiling and I shook my head.
We both came out. This is the time where Anil and I go out of the compound to have our first smoke break.
We came out of the building and gave a thorough look.
Yeah no one in sight, we slowly walked out to the out gate and reached to a small shop, where we used to have one cup of tea and cigarette.
“What was there in the morning with CGK?” Anil asked
CGK is our Boss; it stands for C G Krishnamohan
“Nothing new, as usual, he wants to know about the status.” I told and laughed.
“Ok” he told and joined me in laughing.
We bought two cigarettes and two cup of tea and started enjoying it. After we finished, we had minto- fresh and walked back.
There is a belief in all the smokers that after each smoke try a minto fresh, it will fresh up your mouth and you won’t smell smoke when you talk. Telling the truth, it sucks, I hate minto-fresh, but we all have our own beliefs, so I don’t want to take a chance.
When we are near the in gate, my cell phone vibrated to tell me there is a message. It was from my girl friend.
“Do you love me?”
Gosh, why does this girl always ask the same question?
“Yes dear” I replied.
Again message came.
“I am going to call you now; I want to talk to you”
“No dear, now I got a meeting, I will call you after I finish that.” I typed and send the message and within seconds I got a call from her.
“Hello, I told you I have a meeting now, and I am going for that, can we talk afterwards”
“So you don’t love me, I know all boys are same, can’t trust anyone” she told in a rude way.
“Ok tell me what you want to take about?”
“Oh ho, so you want to know the reason, why can’t I call my boy and simply talk for some time?”
“You can call, but now I am in office so I am working, may be busy, I want to attend meetings”
“That’s not a big deal, why can’t you talk to me if in office, so you don’t love me”
“Ok tell me, why you won’t take your cell phone from your bag when in office, only on breaks you will take that and message and I know there is no restrictions in using mobile in your office“
“Oh, why are irritating me, I don’t want to shuffle personal and official together an I am a trainee, I’m learning”
“There you are, ok bye dear, we will talk afterwards,” I hung up the phone without hearing what she was telling.

She is my girlfriend. Like all girl friends in the world she also screws my life. I don’t know why didn’t god created a third category apart from man and women, GIRL FRIEND. I doubt he didn’t have one.

By that time I reached my seat and Anil was there in his seat, working.

1205 hrs

By this time I got more than 25 miss calls from her and some 5 messages, for the first one I replied
“I will call you, now I am in meeting”
My phone vibrated, it will be a message from her, I thought and took the phone, and it was from Dinesh.
“Lunch?”
I looked to my left side; I can see Dinesh waving at me. Sushil was not there in his seat, that idiot will be the first one in canteen on all Fridays. I stood up from my seat and walked towards Dinesh, and we both walked to the canteen.
“Today is Friday know, so what will be today, any guess?” Dinesh asked
“Hmmm, may be tomato rice, last week it was pulav, and before that puliagaore, whatever it is I hate Friday lunch from here” I replied. He laughed and we were at the entrance, Anil, Sam, Sushil and Reddy were waiting for us.
We all walked to the canteen, and it was pulav, I hate that stuff; yuck..!
After that we all walked out, and in between Reddy skipped from the gang, he had some work it seems. We passed the out gate and went to the shop for a smoke. Anil and I took cigarettes others took some chewing gum, toffee etc. we all enjoyed the lunch break here, it was fun to have a smoke, do some chit chat, it feels good. After that we walked back. Time for continue work.





1515 hrs

“Hello”, her voice was rough.
“Hallaaa” I replied.
“Why you called?”
“Simple, now it’s a break, will have to join after 15 minutes.”
“Oh ho, ok, so had food?”
“Yeah, “
“What did you had, did you thought of me any time when you were having food, I was waiting for your call and didn’t took the food.”
“Hey, I didn’t have any time to call, and I have told you a several times not to pull me inside you food timings, you have food when you are hungry.”
“Oohh..! So you don’t love me, yeah I know, all boys are of same type, before everything they will call for everything, and when a relationship is build up, they have their own ways for easy going”
“Aaha, ok we will talk later, so nice of you”
I ended the call and looked to my left side as someone calling my name, it was Anil, and he was in the gangway.
“Coming?”
“Yeah, one minute, “
And I turned to Sushil and told “Sush, be right back and keep an eye on my things”
He nodded without lifting his face, may be busy.
Anil and I went out as earlier had our quota of tea and cigarettes and came back. Sushil was not there in his seat, and all my things were scattered on the table. I cursed him for a while and started to arrange all the things.

1705 hrs

“Yaar, did you know, our Ramesh is not coming tomorrow”. Sushil told as I was playing with my cell phone and I suddenly realized that I’m in office.
“Aaha, who told?” I asked.
“Sreenoop,” he told and took one gasp and continued “you know, all the idiots who are sitting in top are on leave tomorrow, so let’s enjoy “
“Hee hee “I just laughed for his comment.
“Yaar, all companies are like a tree and we are all monkeys sitting in the braches, when the top management looks down they see monkeys under them and laugh at us, and the funniest part is that when we look up, there’s no monkeys on the top level management, we see only assholes above us”
And he burst into laughter, even I also couldn’t control. I wonder how he manages to crack those jokes, which are witty and thinkable.
By that time our shift ended, and slowly every one left. Sushil and I were still left out. We slowly walked out of the shop floor and went to parking. I took my bike and Sushil sat on the back. We went to the shop outside for a smoke break. He won’t smoke, but eats very well. I got a cigarette and lit it. By that time he finished one burger and went for the next one. We got our tea and I lit up my next cigarette.
My cell phone rang, I took it from my pocket and saw, and it was my friend.
“Hello”
“Yeah hello, dude are you free tonight” he asked.
“Yeah till 8pm, I got a program at that time”
“Oh! Now its 5.30, could you come here at 6. A toast awaits you, last week Anish came from Goa and he got some stuffs, blended exclusively for us “
“Excuse me, what’s that, are you talking about Feni”
“Nope yaar, he got a bottle of black label, Johnny walker, so we expect you by 6, and tomorrow is off Na”
“No yaar, I got office tomorrow, it really sucks, and ok I will be there by 6 and allow me to leave by 7.30, ok”
“Ok done”
I kept my phone back, and looked at Sushil; he was enjoying his evening snacks.
“Ok yaar, I will make a move” I told him and went to my bike.

1825 hrs


“Sorry guys, I’m little late” I told when I entered the room.
“Fuck you, is this 6 o clock, man you are 30 minutes late.” Sandeep told in a loud voice without looking from the television. He was onto ZOOM, latest gossips may be.
I smiled at him and went inside. All things were kept ready for the prestigious bachelor party. Two bottle Johnny walker, one bottle Pepsi, two packs of cigarettes, snacks, pickle and yeah four glasses. I stared at the arrangements and by that time every one came. We sat in a circle, not exactly, but it looks like a circle. Glasses were filled with Johnny walker and some amount of Pepsi.
“Cheers” everyone said and took a sip.
After some time, the room was filled by smoke and glasses were used as a supporting medium from the bottle to mouth. I looked at my watch, it was 7pm. “I still got some time”, I thought.
“Damn, this girl is too hot” Prasobh told as saw Rihana’s new music video umbrella on VH1
“Yeah, she’s hot” Sandeep added
“Nope dude, Beyonce is hot that her “Anish wants a fight.
“I’ll go with Alizee” I told and sipped my whiskey.
“Yeah, whatever, and are we mad enough to fight for some stupid chicks, who doesn’t even know us” Prasobh was right. We all kept quiet, and Rihana was awesome.
Time was not in a mood for stopping, it went in its way, why doesn’t time wait for us?
May be it doesn’t have anyone for waiting, may be single, I suppose.
“Hey pass on that cigarette,” Prasobh reached for the cigarette I was smoking. I gave him the half burned one and pour some whiskey onto my glass, and added some water (Pepsi got over by that time).
I finished that in one sip and lay on the floor. I felt the world is revolving, I wanted to close my eyes, but if I had, I will be late for the party. I struggled to keep my eyes open. Now I am feeling lot better, whiskey reached all the cells in my body, I feel like flying, my eye lids were struggling to meet one another and I lost.

2300 hrs

I opened my eyes.
“Where am I “I asked myself. It was dark out there, and I could see the other three were sleeping in their bed. I checked my watch.
“SHIT…” I screamed; it was 11 pm. I wanted to go as early as possible. I reached for my cell phone, it was in silent mode, and it showed 32 missed calls, and few messages, and I went through them.
“Idiot, where are you?”
“You are making me mad.”
The messages went like this.
“Oh god, today I am a dead man” I shouted as I moved to door. I opened the door and went to my bike. Suddenly my phone rang. I checked the screen, it was from my girlfriend.
“Hello”
“Where have you been, I am keep on trying for you from the evening”
“See, I was little busy, tired now”
“Oh, it’s the same excuse for the whole week, would you change it at least for yourself”
“Please, I am not in mood for fight, I even forgot to attend one party”
“Oh great, you remember parties and not me, yeah I should learn “
“Oh please, stop it, I am going to hang up, I want to leave”
“So now I have become a nuisance, ok fine”
“Good night” I didn’t wait for her reply; I wanted to reach her house at the earliest to save my ass.
I took the helmet on and stated the bike…
Thump thump…..

2335 hrs

I parked the bike and ran to the door. I couldn’t hear any noise inside, but the light was switched on and vague noises from television, I suppose reached my ears. I pressed on the calling bell and was ready to let my ass kicked, and yeah I have got a present too. Footsteps approached the door. It got opened, she stared at me. I gave a weird smile.
Slap Slap, my face did an oscillatory motion as it turned to left and right in a millisecond. I dint spoke a word and the door was shut in front of me. I stood there for a while and pressed the calling bell again.
My phone vibrated
“I don’t want to see your face, asshole” it was from her.
“Sorry” I replied.
No reply came from her. I stood there for a while, my eyes were trying to asleep, and I was trying hard to keep them opened. We struggled for some 20 minutes or so. And finally I lost.

2007 May 5th
0210 hrs

“Dude, get up” I heard this and someone sprinkled water on my face. I opened my eyes, again
“Where am I? “
I am in the verandah of her house. “Shit” I told to myself and tried to raise and stood in two legs.
My head was spinning, I felt like some 1000 kg weight on top of my head, yeah it was really heavy.
I tried to walk, but struggled and I fell down. She helped me to get inside. I fell on the couch and I still held the present which I bought for her. Television was switched on and “Sweet November” was playing. It’s our favorite movie, and we had watched it together more than 10 times, may be she’s Sarah and I am Nelson.
“Happy birthday” I told and only half of the words came out and gave the pack to her. She took it and opened it
“Wow, it’s so nice of you” she was excited; she came and kissed my cheeks.
“Blah, you stink too much.” She told.
I smiled with my eyes closed.
“You want to take a shower”
“No, tell me where I can sleep”
“Yeah, come over” she pulled my hands and took me to the bedroom, it was painted light pink, I just love that color.
“Here it is, sleep tight, and get ready to face terror in the morning” she told.
“Yeah yeah, hey you got any cigarettes”
“No” she told and turned towards the door.
“Oh great, I have two in my pocket” I told and took two cigarettes from my pocket. The condition was horrible, but still it’s okay, better than nothing.
“At least a lighter or match box”
She laughed and reached her table and gave me the lighter. I lit it and saw her reaching for the other one. I gave that to her, her eyes were shining, I didn’t find any tiredness in her eyes, and as always they are fresh.
“Ok dude good night” she told as her cigarette was over.
“Yeah good night” and I fell on the bed.
I heard her footsteps away from me and closing the door behind her. Is she moving away from me? Slowly my eyes were closed. I wanted to talk to her. I tried to open my eyes. Now also I lost. I owe my life to her, she changed me, a change was inevitable, and for every cloud there is a silver lining and for every life there is a hope...
Hope..??
Yeah, sure I do, now I live life, and for some moment I feel like Mr. November, Nelson in her arms, yeah in Sarah’s arms. And I completely closed my eyes. Let it be.

Nautankisaala

I took the keys, then helmet and walked to my bike. Sitting on it I was thinking where am I going? And I couldn’t find the answer since this may be 152637^th time I was thinking the same question. I started my bike, but the kick was not enough and it produced a muffled sound, I gave one more try, this time I succeeded. I could hear the “thump thump” sound of the engine clearly in my ears. I was feeling sort of freshness.

I wasn’t having good relations with book, and till yesterday I have read only three books in my life (other than text books and magazines). And today I have completed my fourth book in six hours-“five point someone”. First of all I should admit that I use books as my sleeping pills- I don’t know what in this whole world tends me to do so- I am totally confused. And when I started this book, I was not sleepy and I was in IIT-D along with Hari, Alok and of course RYAN. Some pages moved me; yeah realities do happen to men all times..!!

I could see the lights of the vehicles coming against me, those look like the eyes of the monster which is in a hurry to catch its prey. I can barely hear any horn -thanks to helmet- one car just flew pass me. I could guess the speed was not less than 70 kmph. I was continuing my ride till I reach my usual destination. I parked the bike, took the helmet off my head and went to one shop.

I walked to that shop and asked for a cigarette. I got one, and I lit it and sat on a chair. I was feeling a lot comfort after the first puff; in fact I am giving a chance after months. And I couldn’t prevent myself in having that, because Ryan had influenced me much, and I tried to make rings out of the smoke, God when will I learn this? At that instant I wished I were back in my good old college days with my friends celebrating every day for no reason. But now I was alone here, and I could feel that Ryan, Alok and Hari are inside me, at least some amount of them in me. And if I didn’t had a puff after reading it, man I can’t even imagine that. But it’s the reality that I have given a promise not to smoke again to my friend months ago, and now I am smoking again.

I hate loneliness.., that time I think too much, and if you have a puff decorating that thought, it’s speechless. But now I could hear the “thump thump” sound of a two wheeler engine approaching me. He took his helmet and smiled at me. I smiled back. He asked for the cigarette and smoked as if it’s for the first time. Now he’s talking. What he’s talking? Probably nothing. As usual he is serious about the topic, and I know this may be for the millionth time he’s serious and talking. After so much of talking he asked “what do you think?”I just looked at him and burst into laughter. He was surprised at first and joined me. He was serious about life and I’m just opposite. And being not serious about anything I have left so many things, and yeah I love remembering those blunders, I love it what it is now.

His serious mood disappeared. Now he is normal. Gossiping, giggling and bursting in laughter we spend some hours. Time to go home. We started our bikes and cruised in opposite directions. I have to stop at the signal; it was red all the way. This road I used to go every day, no noticeable change in the past 8 years. Green light..! I accelerated.

On the way back I was thinking what Ryan, Hari and Alok will be doing now. How much will be their age? 34, 35 or more. This may happen in every professional college, some stay odds, 5.something. But it’s a damn good feeling when you screw up your life and finally become successful. Yeah it’s indeed a great feeling, feel like you are on the top of the world.

One more red light. I stopped the bike. I could see the eyes of the monsters passing by. I started when it was green. And I thought about my good friend, who asked to read this book and influenced me in reading. Sometimes I feel like it was Karan Singania speaking and I am Sukhi or DJ, for all the funniest blunders I have done… “Nautankisaala”...These words passed my ears, and I smiled…yeah I felt like I am a “Nautankisaala...”

The nose rings

What made me attracted towards her?

May be her nose rings. Yeah she had one. Those were the prettiest I have ever seen, and to tell the truth she was the best friend of mine may be the best gift I got in this life. Sometimes I think, is this a boy-girl relationship… no...Never, for that I have never considered her as a girl.! It’s not my fault...nor hers … I just like her company…I feel I am great when I am with her, I feel I am safe. I wish I could have shared everything with her, but everything happens for a reason…now she is not with me, and I feel I am lost

Where am I lost? Even I can’t give an answer

I wish I could have talked to her more, fight with her, go for a long ride, long walks, still I realize this could never going to happen. She is still with me, I feel her touch whenever I am alone, I could hear her voice whispering something in my ears, I could smell her perfume, I could sense her presence...Yeah she’s with me….

Where it went wrong?

May be it’s the fate, or the uneven writings which we are meant for.

That day the sun was not bright, and it was cloudy outside. She was sitting next to me holding my right hand, her hands were cold and I could feel they were shivering. I smiled at her she was looking at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time. I wonder why she’s doing like this, I was confused. But she was sad, as her eyes told. I stared at her eyes, will they say something, no it isn’t as earlier. They were not glowing as usual, I got dimmed down. I suddenly felt that I am going to lose her. I raised my eye brow and asked her the problem. She didn’t tell anything, but instead she holds my hand tightly against hers. I pulled my hands back, I didn’t have the energy to do so, that time I realized that I am weak… she was still in that state, I hold her hands with mine… she didn’t resist. She fell down to my chest, I didn’t know what I have to do, I held her with my hands, suddenly I felt she was crying and she was. I don’t know the reason; I don’t want to ask her, if something she could tell me she would have told.

She lay like that for some time, after a while she raised her head, her eyes were red, it lost its glow, and brightness. She stood and sat on the opposite chair it was a couch actually…keeping her legs on the small bench in between us. I reached for my cigarette and lighter. I took one and lighted it. She was still looking saying nothing, I tried to smile, but I couldn’t. I smoked half of it, she rose from her chair and reached for the half burned cigarette, and took a puff, I was wondering; suddenly her voice raised in my ears
“dude, can’t you stop smoking? Why you are playing with your health” …. I was surprised, she was like an elder person now, and I laughed “dude, I am serious “... I stopped laughing “will you stop this or not” “yeah I will stop this, and by the way what happened and all this stuffs”, and by this time she finished that cigarette and threw the bud to the ash tray.

She didn’t tell anything, I felt like a stranger sitting in front of her

“Ok, promise” “yeah...I do"
She continued her sitting posture, I was surprised, this is the first time in my life I am seeing her keeping her mouth shut. She was never like this. I wanted to ask her the matter, but someone inside me pulled back. She then rose and reached for the cigarette pack, took one and lighted it. I could see that, she was trying to make rings out of the smoke.

I reached the pack and took one cigarette and lighted it. She stared and continued making rings. I also joined her in making rings, but neither of us was good enough for that job. When it got finished, I kept the bud on the ash tray. I looked at her; she was having some imaginary smoke to make the rings. I took a magazine and started turning its pages, and when turning was over I kept it aside and looked at her, she was staring at the roof.

I took the remote and switched on the television. “Please yaar, switch it off”, I switched it off and kept the remote down.
She then asked me
“when are you going “ “this month 16^th “
“hmmmmmmmm…ook” “ok , I will make a move” I raised from the chair and reached for my keys.

She stood up and came near me and hugged me keeping her face on my chest, I stood there for a while and tried to release myself from her hug, still I am weak..!!! She then took her face off my chest and raised herself and kissed my cheeks, I tried to move but she was holding me tightly. I finally pushed her back and took her face with my hands, and kissed her forehead. She smiled and I know she was happy…I then turned back to the door she caught my hand

“dude, cya tomorrow” “are you mad, take a look at your watch, it’s already 1.40am, we will see today itself, don’t worry“; she laughed and laid her head on to my shoulders and walked to the door. I opened the door and went to the car porch, took my bike and went to my room. I could see she was standing there in the porch through my rear view mirror. I turned my head, raised my hand and waved at her.

And now, I realize how much I miss her. But still I can feel her presence every time with me. And I know where ever I go she will be there for me, and for those sleepless nights I wished I could sleep. I see her in my dreams everyday and then I fell like, I am laying on her lap and her fingers crawling through my hairs…caressing my head…and I can hear her singing for me… I feel I am truly being blessed, I wish I could sleep like this forever in her lap.

the beginning and the end..!!

the beginning

how it started..?? did the rain drops did it or the breeze ....don no...but it was raining,when i was in love....the rain never stopped, it was showing its joy, i was standing in front of her, asking for her hand..she didn't raise her face, ..in fact she was trying to protect herself from rain,..i could see her lips were shivering,..hands trembling..i wanted to hold her hands together...but i couldn't....did she tried to speak ...i didn't hear..i was gazing at her face, looking how the colors change invariantly..is it red..or pink..or pale..confused?? yes it was red...the wind tried to take her umbrella...but both hands united.the trembling was furious...it has been transferred to the umbrella..i smiled at her..she didn't even noticed that..whats she thinking??..may be a million things..what i was thinking??..probably nothing..those were vague, i suppose

hi

mmmm...

i jus want to say that i love you a lot...

ehhhh..

i think words got strucked in her throat..or she dont want to tell any thing....i saw she was sweating...she didn't tried to look up..keeping hear head down..she moved..i wish i could stop her...but i couldn't..she walked away with out saying a word...i stood there ..i didn't tried to ran away from rain..it was still raining...she was now at a 30 meters distance..taking the curve she gazed at me...with that distance i could imagine what her eyes were telling to me..

but i was happy....i could tell her what i was feeling for the past few weeks...

the end

i knew there is a limit for everything...someday all these is gonna end...that day it was not raining...pleasant sun...a breeze passed us...she was looking at my face, i was the one who kept my head down..staring at the grass..i raised my face n looked at her...those eyes were gazing at me...expecting something...i could see the colors change invariantly...yes it was pale...her eyes got filled..one drop fell down..i wish i could catch that...hold her tightly n kiss her..i was in a comma stage...the world was happening beneath us...we were not knowing...just me n her..she tried to tell something..her eyes sparkled in the sun...expecting something from me...i stood there saying nothing...she stared , tears were rolling down her cheeks...i tried to move...she caught my hand...her eyes were asking me to stay..dont do this please...but my decisions were always wrong...i took her hand n moved...i was walking down to the college front..she stood there watching ...i didn't tried to look back...a billion things were going in my mind... i looked back..she was not there..i went there..i could see her tears almost dried in the grass...i look around...nope i couldn't find her...i came down. that was the last day i saw her in my lifetime...

"yes my decisions always went wrong..."

Too stubborn to LOVE……!!!!

I used to dream about my future, not so often but at least once a day. My friends used to tell me that I’m mad enough to dream about such rubbish, but I can’t help that because I’m indeed a dream factory. What I usually dream is still a mystery!!
I remember that my dreams were related with her, as I can’t get rid of her from my mind. I warned my mind several times but it has been a massive task to get it back to me.
For what reason I’m fond of her is the question that flourishes in my dreams. Still I can’t search out the answer. According to another person, say my friend the answer is quite simple, I love her, but I know that it’s not the answer I want, because she’s a lot more than that at least for me.
I’m not considered about what other people think about me in this issue. However, I do wish that none would think wrong about her. I don’t care what she thinks of me because I know that she would not presume me as a fraud.
I’m the master of my mind and my dreams because they do flourish right from my heart to my soul, my brain and my whole body. It’s true that I can’t control my mind. Nevertheless, I surely can control my feelings and my attitude.

The query arises again “What am I dreaming about?”

What a freaky question??

May be its true that I talk about dreams, which are but children of an idle brain and they give as nothing, but an abortive fantasy. But I can’t find the answer from the past few months. To love some one is very difficult as it can change the routine and seldom can it change the whole attitude. I think both the reasons have affected me and I am sure that I cannot never runaway from this situation. It’s very difficult for a person to change in a fortnight, even for me. Being a man I had tried a lot to change and there it goes again I’m indeed changed not for me but for others especially for her.
Mostly the reason may be I love her or I like her, but I don’t know what she is meant to me. Any way I’m sure that she is a very special one for me just that she is my goddess. The strange situation arises in times because strictly speaking I’m afraid of her,- all are afraid of the one they worship-. However, there is no reason that a grown up boy has to be afraid of a girl who is his junior, at least for me. The reason for my fear shattered my thoughts for days and finally I realized that this was because I love her and I don’t want to hurt her with my unlicensed tongue. I know well that love will die if held too tightly and it will fly if held too lightly, but I don’t know how I’m holding it!

She may be the only person in the world, but she is also the only world to me. To love is nothing, to be loved is something and to love and to be loved is everything as love frees us from the pains and weight of our life.
She is the most important person in my life, and when I think of her and all the precious moments we’ve shared together, it makes me realize.... I’ve truly been blessed. For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it, I think its mine.
Love is a haunting melody that I have never mastered and I fear I never will.
Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets, forever valued and kept treasured.

I’m keeping her in my mind forever and for always. I see in her eyes the deep blue sea that’s eager to be mine. Once when the showers and the pure light dance in her clear eyes, I saw my angel for the first time..
I want her to catch my hands and walk with me towards the destiny and I have to go miles before I reach there. That’s pretty much easy for me because it’s love and love only…
But ….”The love that lasts longest is the love that is never returned”....
Too stubborn to LOVE……!!!!

Strange Situation

Once in awhile I get the feeling that not all this should have happened. I wish I had never met her. I had been in a mixed school since I was young but I had never thought about girls I had planted in my mind the seeds of some strange perception about the fairer sex. I was a very simple guy and because of this , I believe, I had a good time with girls. Of course, I had some god given talents; I believe; I could sing well; but soon I realized that I was singing better in the bathroom than in front of an audience, as my voice was not meant for singing. I was slowly realizing that I was a more than necessary shy person was. And now; in college and with the girl of my dreams as my junior; I sense my weaknesses surfacing again. The seeds of the strange thoughts that I had planted in my mind were slowly germinating into plants that bore my failures as their fruits. I am now wondering as to what I am afraid of. I mean; she is just another God created living being [I bet he has shown partiality to her]. Only because she is the prettiest I have ever seen and that I am having a big crush on her doesn’t necessarily give any clue as to why I should be shy to face her in certain situations and my mind advices
“ran boy ran……..”.
I think I like her more than anyone else does, I believe. I know that there is hell lot of a difference between liking and loving. I don't want to be in love with her; I want her to like me, like she does to any other close friend and to be with me throughout my life , but I am afraid.... though I only want to look into her eyes for my rest of the life.
There it goes again!
Being a Leo is not easy; at least not for me. Decision-making has been always tough for me in strange situations. For a moment, I would decide that I would go and talk to her and ask her whether I stood a chance with her; and the next moment I tend to worry as to what her reply might be. Of course, I know what her answer would be, but I think it is still worth a try. At least I won't blame myself in future for not even believing in my luck. I do not think things would change much, whatever her reply might be; but I honestly wish to be close to her, to share her joys and sorrows with mine and to talk to her through out the years. It think I am too shy to ask and too proud to loose because I don't love a woman because she's beautiful, she is beautiful because I love her.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
I love her for what she is, but I love her yet more for what she is going to be. I love her not so much for her realities as for her ideals. I pray for her desires that they may be great, rather than for her satisfactions, which may be so hazardously little. She is going forward toward something great. I am on the way with her, and therefore I love her; I believe.

It takes a second to notice someone,
A minute to crush on someone,
An hour to like someone,
A day to fall in love with someone,
And a lifetime to forget them!!!!!!!!