Nautankisaala

I took the keys, then helmet and walked to my bike. Sitting on it I was thinking where am I going? And I couldn’t find the answer since this may be 152637^th time I was thinking the same question. I started my bike, but the kick was not enough and it produced a muffled sound, I gave one more try, this time I succeeded. I could hear the “thump thump” sound of the engine clearly in my ears. I was feeling sort of freshness.

I wasn’t having good relations with book, and till yesterday I have read only three books in my life (other than text books and magazines). And today I have completed my fourth book in six hours-“five point someone”. First of all I should admit that I use books as my sleeping pills- I don’t know what in this whole world tends me to do so- I am totally confused. And when I started this book, I was not sleepy and I was in IIT-D along with Hari, Alok and of course RYAN. Some pages moved me; yeah realities do happen to men all times..!!

I could see the lights of the vehicles coming against me, those look like the eyes of the monster which is in a hurry to catch its prey. I can barely hear any horn -thanks to helmet- one car just flew pass me. I could guess the speed was not less than 70 kmph. I was continuing my ride till I reach my usual destination. I parked the bike, took the helmet off my head and went to one shop.

I walked to that shop and asked for a cigarette. I got one, and I lit it and sat on a chair. I was feeling a lot comfort after the first puff; in fact I am giving a chance after months. And I couldn’t prevent myself in having that, because Ryan had influenced me much, and I tried to make rings out of the smoke, God when will I learn this? At that instant I wished I were back in my good old college days with my friends celebrating every day for no reason. But now I was alone here, and I could feel that Ryan, Alok and Hari are inside me, at least some amount of them in me. And if I didn’t had a puff after reading it, man I can’t even imagine that. But it’s the reality that I have given a promise not to smoke again to my friend months ago, and now I am smoking again.

I hate loneliness.., that time I think too much, and if you have a puff decorating that thought, it’s speechless. But now I could hear the “thump thump” sound of a two wheeler engine approaching me. He took his helmet and smiled at me. I smiled back. He asked for the cigarette and smoked as if it’s for the first time. Now he’s talking. What he’s talking? Probably nothing. As usual he is serious about the topic, and I know this may be for the millionth time he’s serious and talking. After so much of talking he asked “what do you think?”I just looked at him and burst into laughter. He was surprised at first and joined me. He was serious about life and I’m just opposite. And being not serious about anything I have left so many things, and yeah I love remembering those blunders, I love it what it is now.

His serious mood disappeared. Now he is normal. Gossiping, giggling and bursting in laughter we spend some hours. Time to go home. We started our bikes and cruised in opposite directions. I have to stop at the signal; it was red all the way. This road I used to go every day, no noticeable change in the past 8 years. Green light..! I accelerated.

On the way back I was thinking what Ryan, Hari and Alok will be doing now. How much will be their age? 34, 35 or more. This may happen in every professional college, some stay odds, 5.something. But it’s a damn good feeling when you screw up your life and finally become successful. Yeah it’s indeed a great feeling, feel like you are on the top of the world.

One more red light. I stopped the bike. I could see the eyes of the monsters passing by. I started when it was green. And I thought about my good friend, who asked to read this book and influenced me in reading. Sometimes I feel like it was Karan Singania speaking and I am Sukhi or DJ, for all the funniest blunders I have done… “Nautankisaala”...These words passed my ears, and I smiled…yeah I felt like I am a “Nautankisaala...”

The nose rings

What made me attracted towards her?

May be her nose rings. Yeah she had one. Those were the prettiest I have ever seen, and to tell the truth she was the best friend of mine may be the best gift I got in this life. Sometimes I think, is this a boy-girl relationship… no...Never, for that I have never considered her as a girl.! It’s not my fault...nor hers … I just like her company…I feel I am great when I am with her, I feel I am safe. I wish I could have shared everything with her, but everything happens for a reason…now she is not with me, and I feel I am lost

Where am I lost? Even I can’t give an answer

I wish I could have talked to her more, fight with her, go for a long ride, long walks, still I realize this could never going to happen. She is still with me, I feel her touch whenever I am alone, I could hear her voice whispering something in my ears, I could smell her perfume, I could sense her presence...Yeah she’s with me….

Where it went wrong?

May be it’s the fate, or the uneven writings which we are meant for.

That day the sun was not bright, and it was cloudy outside. She was sitting next to me holding my right hand, her hands were cold and I could feel they were shivering. I smiled at her she was looking at me as if she’s seeing me for the first time. I wonder why she’s doing like this, I was confused. But she was sad, as her eyes told. I stared at her eyes, will they say something, no it isn’t as earlier. They were not glowing as usual, I got dimmed down. I suddenly felt that I am going to lose her. I raised my eye brow and asked her the problem. She didn’t tell anything, but instead she holds my hand tightly against hers. I pulled my hands back, I didn’t have the energy to do so, that time I realized that I am weak… she was still in that state, I hold her hands with mine… she didn’t resist. She fell down to my chest, I didn’t know what I have to do, I held her with my hands, suddenly I felt she was crying and she was. I don’t know the reason; I don’t want to ask her, if something she could tell me she would have told.

She lay like that for some time, after a while she raised her head, her eyes were red, it lost its glow, and brightness. She stood and sat on the opposite chair it was a couch actually…keeping her legs on the small bench in between us. I reached for my cigarette and lighter. I took one and lighted it. She was still looking saying nothing, I tried to smile, but I couldn’t. I smoked half of it, she rose from her chair and reached for the half burned cigarette, and took a puff, I was wondering; suddenly her voice raised in my ears
“dude, can’t you stop smoking? Why you are playing with your health” …. I was surprised, she was like an elder person now, and I laughed “dude, I am serious “... I stopped laughing “will you stop this or not” “yeah I will stop this, and by the way what happened and all this stuffs”, and by this time she finished that cigarette and threw the bud to the ash tray.

She didn’t tell anything, I felt like a stranger sitting in front of her

“Ok, promise” “yeah...I do"
She continued her sitting posture, I was surprised, this is the first time in my life I am seeing her keeping her mouth shut. She was never like this. I wanted to ask her the matter, but someone inside me pulled back. She then rose and reached for the cigarette pack, took one and lighted it. I could see that, she was trying to make rings out of the smoke.

I reached the pack and took one cigarette and lighted it. She stared and continued making rings. I also joined her in making rings, but neither of us was good enough for that job. When it got finished, I kept the bud on the ash tray. I looked at her; she was having some imaginary smoke to make the rings. I took a magazine and started turning its pages, and when turning was over I kept it aside and looked at her, she was staring at the roof.

I took the remote and switched on the television. “Please yaar, switch it off”, I switched it off and kept the remote down.
She then asked me
“when are you going “ “this month 16^th “
“hmmmmmmmm…ook” “ok , I will make a move” I raised from the chair and reached for my keys.

She stood up and came near me and hugged me keeping her face on my chest, I stood there for a while and tried to release myself from her hug, still I am weak..!!! She then took her face off my chest and raised herself and kissed my cheeks, I tried to move but she was holding me tightly. I finally pushed her back and took her face with my hands, and kissed her forehead. She smiled and I know she was happy…I then turned back to the door she caught my hand

“dude, cya tomorrow” “are you mad, take a look at your watch, it’s already 1.40am, we will see today itself, don’t worry“; she laughed and laid her head on to my shoulders and walked to the door. I opened the door and went to the car porch, took my bike and went to my room. I could see she was standing there in the porch through my rear view mirror. I turned my head, raised my hand and waved at her.

And now, I realize how much I miss her. But still I can feel her presence every time with me. And I know where ever I go she will be there for me, and for those sleepless nights I wished I could sleep. I see her in my dreams everyday and then I fell like, I am laying on her lap and her fingers crawling through my hairs…caressing my head…and I can hear her singing for me… I feel I am truly being blessed, I wish I could sleep like this forever in her lap.

the beginning and the end..!!

the beginning

how it started..?? did the rain drops did it or the breeze ....don no...but it was raining,when i was in love....the rain never stopped, it was showing its joy, i was standing in front of her, asking for her hand..she didn't raise her face, ..in fact she was trying to protect herself from rain,..i could see her lips were shivering,..hands trembling..i wanted to hold her hands together...but i couldn't....did she tried to speak ...i didn't hear..i was gazing at her face, looking how the colors change invariantly..is it red..or pink..or pale..confused?? yes it was red...the wind tried to take her umbrella...but both hands united.the trembling was furious...it has been transferred to the umbrella..i smiled at her..she didn't even noticed that..whats she thinking??..may be a million things..what i was thinking??..probably nothing..those were vague, i suppose

hi

mmmm...

i jus want to say that i love you a lot...

ehhhh..

i think words got strucked in her throat..or she dont want to tell any thing....i saw she was sweating...she didn't tried to look up..keeping hear head down..she moved..i wish i could stop her...but i couldn't..she walked away with out saying a word...i stood there ..i didn't tried to ran away from rain..it was still raining...she was now at a 30 meters distance..taking the curve she gazed at me...with that distance i could imagine what her eyes were telling to me..

but i was happy....i could tell her what i was feeling for the past few weeks...

the end

i knew there is a limit for everything...someday all these is gonna end...that day it was not raining...pleasant sun...a breeze passed us...she was looking at my face, i was the one who kept my head down..staring at the grass..i raised my face n looked at her...those eyes were gazing at me...expecting something...i could see the colors change invariantly...yes it was pale...her eyes got filled..one drop fell down..i wish i could catch that...hold her tightly n kiss her..i was in a comma stage...the world was happening beneath us...we were not knowing...just me n her..she tried to tell something..her eyes sparkled in the sun...expecting something from me...i stood there saying nothing...she stared , tears were rolling down her cheeks...i tried to move...she caught my hand...her eyes were asking me to stay..dont do this please...but my decisions were always wrong...i took her hand n moved...i was walking down to the college front..she stood there watching ...i didn't tried to look back...a billion things were going in my mind... i looked back..she was not there..i went there..i could see her tears almost dried in the grass...i look around...nope i couldn't find her...i came down. that was the last day i saw her in my lifetime...

"yes my decisions always went wrong..."

Too stubborn to LOVE……!!!!

I used to dream about my future, not so often but at least once a day. My friends used to tell me that I’m mad enough to dream about such rubbish, but I can’t help that because I’m indeed a dream factory. What I usually dream is still a mystery!!
I remember that my dreams were related with her, as I can’t get rid of her from my mind. I warned my mind several times but it has been a massive task to get it back to me.
For what reason I’m fond of her is the question that flourishes in my dreams. Still I can’t search out the answer. According to another person, say my friend the answer is quite simple, I love her, but I know that it’s not the answer I want, because she’s a lot more than that at least for me.
I’m not considered about what other people think about me in this issue. However, I do wish that none would think wrong about her. I don’t care what she thinks of me because I know that she would not presume me as a fraud.
I’m the master of my mind and my dreams because they do flourish right from my heart to my soul, my brain and my whole body. It’s true that I can’t control my mind. Nevertheless, I surely can control my feelings and my attitude.

The query arises again “What am I dreaming about?”

What a freaky question??

May be its true that I talk about dreams, which are but children of an idle brain and they give as nothing, but an abortive fantasy. But I can’t find the answer from the past few months. To love some one is very difficult as it can change the routine and seldom can it change the whole attitude. I think both the reasons have affected me and I am sure that I cannot never runaway from this situation. It’s very difficult for a person to change in a fortnight, even for me. Being a man I had tried a lot to change and there it goes again I’m indeed changed not for me but for others especially for her.
Mostly the reason may be I love her or I like her, but I don’t know what she is meant to me. Any way I’m sure that she is a very special one for me just that she is my goddess. The strange situation arises in times because strictly speaking I’m afraid of her,- all are afraid of the one they worship-. However, there is no reason that a grown up boy has to be afraid of a girl who is his junior, at least for me. The reason for my fear shattered my thoughts for days and finally I realized that this was because I love her and I don’t want to hurt her with my unlicensed tongue. I know well that love will die if held too tightly and it will fly if held too lightly, but I don’t know how I’m holding it!

She may be the only person in the world, but she is also the only world to me. To love is nothing, to be loved is something and to love and to be loved is everything as love frees us from the pains and weight of our life.
She is the most important person in my life, and when I think of her and all the precious moments we’ve shared together, it makes me realize.... I’ve truly been blessed. For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it, I think its mine.
Love is a haunting melody that I have never mastered and I fear I never will.
Love is sometimes denied, sometimes lost, sometimes unrecognized, but in the end, always found with no regrets, forever valued and kept treasured.

I’m keeping her in my mind forever and for always. I see in her eyes the deep blue sea that’s eager to be mine. Once when the showers and the pure light dance in her clear eyes, I saw my angel for the first time..
I want her to catch my hands and walk with me towards the destiny and I have to go miles before I reach there. That’s pretty much easy for me because it’s love and love only…
But ….”The love that lasts longest is the love that is never returned”....
Too stubborn to LOVE……!!!!

Strange Situation

Once in awhile I get the feeling that not all this should have happened. I wish I had never met her. I had been in a mixed school since I was young but I had never thought about girls I had planted in my mind the seeds of some strange perception about the fairer sex. I was a very simple guy and because of this , I believe, I had a good time with girls. Of course, I had some god given talents; I believe; I could sing well; but soon I realized that I was singing better in the bathroom than in front of an audience, as my voice was not meant for singing. I was slowly realizing that I was a more than necessary shy person was. And now; in college and with the girl of my dreams as my junior; I sense my weaknesses surfacing again. The seeds of the strange thoughts that I had planted in my mind were slowly germinating into plants that bore my failures as their fruits. I am now wondering as to what I am afraid of. I mean; she is just another God created living being [I bet he has shown partiality to her]. Only because she is the prettiest I have ever seen and that I am having a big crush on her doesn’t necessarily give any clue as to why I should be shy to face her in certain situations and my mind advices
“ran boy ran……..”.
I think I like her more than anyone else does, I believe. I know that there is hell lot of a difference between liking and loving. I don't want to be in love with her; I want her to like me, like she does to any other close friend and to be with me throughout my life , but I am afraid.... though I only want to look into her eyes for my rest of the life.
There it goes again!
Being a Leo is not easy; at least not for me. Decision-making has been always tough for me in strange situations. For a moment, I would decide that I would go and talk to her and ask her whether I stood a chance with her; and the next moment I tend to worry as to what her reply might be. Of course, I know what her answer would be, but I think it is still worth a try. At least I won't blame myself in future for not even believing in my luck. I do not think things would change much, whatever her reply might be; but I honestly wish to be close to her, to share her joys and sorrows with mine and to talk to her through out the years. It think I am too shy to ask and too proud to loose because I don't love a woman because she's beautiful, she is beautiful because I love her.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
I love her for what she is, but I love her yet more for what she is going to be. I love her not so much for her realities as for her ideals. I pray for her desires that they may be great, rather than for her satisfactions, which may be so hazardously little. She is going forward toward something great. I am on the way with her, and therefore I love her; I believe.

It takes a second to notice someone,
A minute to crush on someone,
An hour to like someone,
A day to fall in love with someone,
And a lifetime to forget them!!!!!!!!